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I am 27 years old and married for four years this year. I have always wanted to be a mother so naturally when I got married it was one of the first things my husband and I decided to do. We first bought the house and the car because we wanted to have space for all the lovely baby things and the right car because we planned all these family trips we would take together so we needed a car with space for all the baby luggage. On our one year wedding anniversary we official started trying for a baby.

After a few months of disappointment we decided to see a doctor, one doctor led to another and another all telling me to relax, I’m young and healthy and it will happen. Each wanting to put me on a different contraceptive of which I did not want to go on. I kept telling my husband I know deep down something else is wrong I just needed to find the doctor who could help me.

One year and many doctors later I came across my “guardian angel” doctor he had one look at me and told me I suspect you have PCOS but I would like to take blood and do an internal scan.  Still hoping for a baby I anxiously lay on the table while the doctor does his internal scan. My heart gutted when I saw the screens. I have seen all my friends baby scans. Iv seen people post pictures of their scans so many times it did not take me long to realize at all that what I saw on my scan was not “normal” all those grey spots. I remember going home and drowning my sorrows in movies and junk food (knowing I can’t eat junk food)

I then picked myself up waited patiently for my period for arrive, I was on clomid, femara, glucophage, natural herbs, diet, excercise and lots of baby making time. Two years laterand nothing changed sadly but I was not going to give up I went for my check up and on March 2015 my doctor (gynecologist) recommended laparoscopic surgery which I did. Took three days of healing and I was back to my old self. “Just take it easy and relax” is what my doctor said. I made sure to eat right, excercise and do the deed. Every month was like I was mourning a lost of the child I never had. I was so tired, frustrated, heat sore and angry. Angry at my doctor at myself at the world. Why was this happening to me? I try to be a good person, I pray, I give charity. I try and be the best that I can be but yet people who are on drugs, who are so mean they just pop out babies.

Everytime I read a story about a baby being abandon in a dustbin or anywhere I would cry as if it was my child I was loosing. I couldn’t take it anymore so we decided to give things a break. No doctors. But it was drilled in my so much that I continued my diet and excercise. Every month there was hope and every month there was disappointment. My husband was tested as well and his sperm is fine and everything was more than great his side. I felt like I am a disappointment to him like I was a bad wife because I couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted. Although he is so supportive and understanding and always comforting me I still hold this guilt with me this sense of failure as a wife.
In December 2016 we decided to go to a well known top in the county fertility clinic. The medical aid was not covering anything. I just went to have a second opinion but when I met doctor S I just felt so hopefully, content, excited, safe like he knew what he was doing and he was going to make it happen.

Everything has happened so fast with the clinic we decided to do IUI treatment. To bring on my period he gave me progesterone because I was on day 50 of a period already and negative for pregnancy test. Once my period started I was on letrolzal from day 3-7 and glonal f pen the odd days. Day eleven went for scans to see if I made a follicle. Of which one was made in the right ovary very excitedly I went home and announced this to my family. I cried but for once it was happy tears all I could think was if this was how I felt just for a foliocile how wouldn’t it be for a baby so even this feeling has given me hope. I had to give myself ovatrille injection at 23:15 the Saturday evening and 36hours later the insemintion was done.

Very anxiously I went in doctor S kept comforting me saying it would feel like a Pap smear my husband holding my hand. Five minutes it was done. Two week wait and a blood pregnancy test needed to be done. Two weeks later negative test. I cried so hard i couldn’t get myself to do anything just laid in bed. My husbands arms were the only comfort I wanted. We just laid and cried. He kept telling me if you want to feel sad feel sad, if you want to feel angry then feel angry you don’t have to be strong you don’t have to be anything for anyone you just be what you feel you need to be.

Which is what I did and it helped me so much. I did round two of medication two folicciles this time doctor s was so positive and encouraging. My husband and I were just too anxious to feel his excitement. Another failed month no preagancy but in the bigger schem of things it was not a failed month. My period came exactly 28 days later. According to my scans and my cervical fluids I was ovulating so their were positive things happening but because I was looking for the baby I could not see it. I am currently doing round three of IUI it is very taxing financially but we would do anything for a child. We are not going to give up.

This entire journey had been so emotionally draining. But one needs to remember in every bad, good comes as well, and I feel so blessed this had caused my husband and I to be so close to each other. He is my strength my pillar my anchor. I knew I loved it(it’s why I married him lol) but with every month I love him even more.

I believe I will have a child one day and I believe that God has a plan for me a great plan one that I will see unfold one that is busy being unfolded with each passing day. We are all special and we are Gods special soldiers.
We are going to be mothers. Mothers that our children will be blessed to have.

Thank you to all for sharing their stories when I feel alone and frustrated I read your stories and it truly helps. I know mine is not yet one of a positive outcome( a baby) but I hope that inspires someone to never give up and it’s okay to feel sad and angry just never give up hope.