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My Infertility Story

By Carin van Rooyen Mrs Africa Earth South Africa 2017.

I am 34 years old, been ttc for 8 years. I have endometriosis, hubby cannot understand why I just dont give up.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother….it is in me…I see a baby and I want to cry….I am petrified of dying alone.

I have so much love to give, I know I will be a wonderful mother. I am angry at my body….why does it not work?

How can other women have one night stands and fall pregnant? Yet…I cant conceive? I take it one day at a time but infertility is hell on earth.

“Oh stop worrying. God will give you a baby when you’re ready.”
“Tell your husband to eat more celery. It’s good for sperm.”
“Trust me you don’t want one of these”
“You’re so lucky you can do whatever you want you don’t have a baby to watch 24/7”
“Have you tried eating healthier? Maybe you should loose weight first.”
“It must just not be time for you yet”
“Oh yeah my sister/aunt/friend struggled for a while but now she has 3 kids! No worries.”
“Maybe it’s a sign that you’re not meant to be together” (seriously?)
“If you can’t afford fertility treatments how do you expect to afford a baby?!”
“You’re lucky! I get pregnant by practical just holding hands! You don’t even need to worry about buying condoms!”
“Just relax and stop worrying about it and it will happen on its own”
“You just need to stay hopeful! You’re being dramatic.”

Why do people say these things? Just let me talk about my pain. Just hug me and say you’re sorry or don’t say anything at all. Let me hold your baby, let me cry. Let me binge watch What To Expect When You’re Expecting. I know I’ll be ok. I know all the things you’re saying. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I just want to be allowed to FEEL. Am I not allowed to feel this pain? This heartbreak? This disappointment? My body doesn’t work how it is undeniably designed to. That’s a real disappointment and it hurts. Maybe I will get pregnant, maybe soon. But right now, I’m not. And that makes me sad. It hurts my heart, and makes me worry for the future, because I don’t have any guarantees. It’s a hard and painful thing.  Why can’t people understand that?