I am 1 in 6

I am 1 in 6.

I am a Swati 36year old lady.

I have been married to the best man in the world for 8years. I love this man. I have an amazing family, my siblings have been our pillars all these years.

We have been trying to conceive for as a long we have been married. The one thing I wanted more than anything in my life was to carry my own child.

We have been through more than 9 IVF Cycles. I have lost count may be more than 9.
2015 My sister volunteered to be our surrogate.
We tried 4 cycle with her and all failed.
I have been to hell and I am not sure if I am back.
Have been through the worst roller coaster ride of my life still I nothing to show for it.

I decided not to further my studies and focus on having a child. 8 years nothing to show for it.

IVF, Surrogacy and adoption are words that do not even exist in my culture.

There are special names for people like me. I am called “inyumba”(one who cannot bear children).

Infertility is the worst disease.
It made me feel like a failure. Every pregnant teenager used to be a reminder of my failure. At times it still is.
You carry emotional scars that very few people will ever understand and yet many people think they are qualified to give you advice about relaxing and falling pregnant.

December and January are the worst time of the year for me.

After so many years of emotional, physical and financial strain. I am learning to accept that I might never have my natural child. It is very hard but I am taking it one day a time.

One thing for sure I am no longer going through the pain of IVF. No more injections. No More pains. No more collapsing in toilets and lifts after procedures. I am done.

I still believe in miracles. If it is meant to happen it has to happen naturally.

For now I am working on finding myself again.
Seeing the beauty that surrounds me. Finding peace.
Just buying a pair of shoes without worrying about paying for IVF.
Some days are better than others. One day the good days will be more than the bad days.

I find strength through a few infertility facebook pages. Reading other people stories an sharing.