By Chantal Jacobs
I am 1 in 6 but I am even rarer than that. I’m here to tell you that despite all your best wishes and hard work – treatment sometimes just doesn’t work.
We have been TTC for 8 years, I started at 29. We have done 6 or 7 IUI’s. 7 ICSI’s and 2 PICSI’s. I’ve done endometrial scratching and everything I could to maximise the chances of success. All of that pain and heart break resulted in our seeing two lines once and ended in a protracted early miscarriage of twins, one by one, we saw a scan and a heartbeat and then it stopped. Just like that.
After that it was a whole lot of disappointment over and over and over again. I went from the super happy positive this-must-work woman and wondering why on earth people didn’t TALK about this stuff and make eye contact in the clinics with your fellow sufferers, to the woman who understand perfect why they don’t.
IF is hard and it drains you in ways you can’t even fathom if you’re just starting out. Meds never phased me. I didn’t have bad reactions to anything. Your head is the hardest battle you will fight. At the end of our journey it became a choice to stop. Stop all the pills and injections but most of all the heart ache. I’d love to say I’m perfectly balanced and well rounded now, but I’m not and yet strangely at the end of the tunnel as I am – I can start to see life without a baby.
It’s not the end of my world anymore. Of course I have bad days, but they are less often than they used to be. Do I walk down the baby aisle at the shops? Not willingly. Will I go to someone else’s baby shower? Most certainly not. Not there yet. But I no longer feel like I’m about to die. It has taken me a long time to get here. The ground I stand on still wobbles sometimes. For anyone still trying or starting out I pray you get there. Wishing you all the love and light in the world.