Since a little girl, all I wanted to be was a Mommy. One would think falling pregnant is the most natural experience to happen to a woman, so I thought, never did I once think I would be the one crying behind closed doors, putting a front up at the next baby shower, or diverting the famous question asked by many “So, when are you having a baby?” My husband and I have been trying to fight this battle for 4 years.
In 2014 my world came crashing down as we learnt that it would be impossible to conceive naturally. So being the type of person I am, I go into fight mode, thinking it will be ok, but this was not the case…so to cut a long story short and after almost divorcing my DH, we finally decided to go ahead with fertility treatment. June 2014 was the first round of IUI, which was negative. We were disappointed but it was the first time, so we kind of expected it.
November 2014 we went straight for IVF, which was also resulted in a negative. July 2015, we did frozen embryo transfer, and no baby. To me those fertilised eggs where my babies. We experienced loss, our babies. Many people said to me at that stage, they’re only eggs, to me they were our babies. Our hearts still aches. Why us? This is the question we ask ourselves often. Everyone says that we would make the perfect parents.
Not many of my family or friends know what we are going through, I think deep down it is the pity that I can’t handle, or the “ah shame” at the news of a pregnancy of another family member. However we have not given up. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who hold my future in His hands, and I can truly say I could not have gone through this without the help from God, lots of prayer, support from my awesome parents and my wonderful Husband and unconditional love.This road has by no means been easy, and we have learnt a lot about ourselves and each other.
Let me not sugar coat this at all, in plain and simple terms- it sucks, it’s emotionally draining. I can plan as much as I want, tick all the right boxes, make sure we do things to the T, yet there are still no guarantees . I don’t remember what it’s like not to be broken. To long for that one thing so many take for granted. Will I ever give up? Most definitely not! I know deep down in my heart that God has placed the desire for me to be a Mommy, and He will grant me the desires of my heart. I just have to learn to be patient.