I am 26 (turning 27 in a couple of months) and I will be married 3 years now. For the better part of 2 years my husband and I have been trying to start a family. I used to dream about being a mom, it was the only thing I was ever really sure of being. (Yes, I realise this sounds like a massive cliché – but it doesn’t make it any less true.)
I knew after 6 months of trying that something was wrong. A visit to the GP and my concerns were laughed at. I was being ridiculous and I am still young so my worries were swept out the door. My struggle with infertility is never taken seriously by people because of my age.
Countless Ovulation Tests, ovulation tracking apps, pregnancy tests and tears later my Gynea appointment came up. She confirmed my biggest fear that our chances of conveiving naturally was slim. I was devastated. I could sense defeat in my husband’s soul. But we grabbed the life-line offered – IUI.
With the help of family we did 2 rounds and did not succeed. My heart was broken. I felt so empty and so very alone. My husband felt like a failure. We are on a break from treatments beacause it doesn’t matter how strong you believe you are – hormones, emotions and mostly finances are stronger. We can’t afford any more drastic measures like IVF and ICSI.
I was so filled with hope each time (and I still am every month) and I think that is the thing that hurts you the most. Hope. And the overwhelming feeling that somehow we did something wrong. Somehow we did something to deserve this. Like we are’nt praying enough or are worthy enough to have a child.
So the real reason I am saying I am 1 in 6 is not to get any sort of sympathy, because I know there are tons of women who has a longer and more sorrow filled journeys than mine.
The reason is to CELEBRATE each woman who was ever led to feel that somehow she is not enough because she can’t or chose not to have kids. I want to celebrate the women who are led to believe that just because you can’t have a baby (or choose not to have one for what ever reason) you will not experience a special kind of love. You are also allowed to feel tired, you are also an inspiration. You are worthy. You are special.
I struggle each day with the reality that maybe I will long for a child for the rest of my life and never know how it feels to have a baby to call my own. But I take refuge and draw inspiration from the ladies on this page and I hope that somehow I have made someone feel less alone. Less failure. More victorious. And more WORTHY. Because you are. You might be 1 in 6 but you are also a 1 in a Million. Do not let anyone make you forget that.
My husband is my ‘once in a life time’ love. And we choose to hold on to that each day and not to focus on whay we do not have. That has been my saving grace. Find yours and do not let it go.